: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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