why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Text me some of your sweat
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
