the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
this hospital has no fireball
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
