Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
