i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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