I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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