Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
People in love make me want to vomit
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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