When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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