I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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