He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
