remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
