I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
