i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
