Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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