i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
