Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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