After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
