I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
