Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
