this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
