i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
