Don't you send me to vm
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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