??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
