I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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