I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
