Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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