I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
