oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
