I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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