I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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