My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Someone came in the potted fern
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
