saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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