I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
