I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
