Cold hands, warm shart.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
