We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Randomize
