i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
