It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
