Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
