Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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