not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
FUCK WHALES
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
