I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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