he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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