my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
