he wants to bone in the snuggie
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
