I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
