It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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