..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
