I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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