I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
